The Imposter

Everything seemed to fit in the right boxes. With the 10th of October approaching, why not, maybe it's time to share a story, hoping to help others.

I was growing up with this constant breath of imposter right behind me. It felt familiar and somehow safe. I could explain everything by simply telling myself that it's just an imposter syndrome. Someone new joined — within weeks or days they would be doing way much better than me — it's an imposter syndrome. I wouldn’t consider that I am still a good employee, mum, or wife. With someone slightly interfering in a way — I was trying to hide under, deeper and deeper so that at some point it would seem I didn’t even exist.

This summer something was different. I’d just gone to a conference for the first time, presented in front of people, and was so excited, felt like it was a massive achievement, and the very few days after I was again at rock bottom not knowing how to lift myself up. There was no way out. It wasn’t just a bad day. It was a bad few months. Maybe even years.

I took my phone and googled ‘I am depressed, I need help’. NHS was at the top of the search, explaining what depression is and then having a few different options for how to deal with it. I took an assessment and started a waiting period that could have been months as the form suggested. After about a week I received a call where I was assessed on how seriously depressed am I, and am I going to harm myself or others around me. It sounded scary and I couldn’t believe I actually was going through it. Today — I am extremely happy I did it. It didn’t take too long to get through the initial stage and a therapist sent me an email inviting me to our first session.

I went with a social anxiety issue and tried to ask for help to connect with people and find friends in life. I felt extremely lonely and the worst thoughts were coming through my mind such as — I am no good anyway so whats the point in being around and making things worse. I cried every session and couldn’t see a way out. She was patient and walked me through all the difficult memories I had to relive while trying to connect the dots. At the end of the day, it was very clear — I had low self-esteem or one could say I had none at all!

I completed 10 sessions so far. What changed? I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I don’t feel like I am the worst person in the world. I fight these terrible beliefs every day. Some weeks I made a huge progress, some weeks it felt like I made a few steps back. But I don’t want to stop and I am afraid but will happen once the sessions are over and I will be all by myself, fighting my own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours and trying to change years of damage.

What is it like to be a person with low self-esteem? Where do I start… When I put some makeup on and someone tells me that I look nice — I will think ‘Well, so I only look nice when I put some makeup on’. When a work colleague puts me on the spot in a meeting — I will shut down, stay quiet, and be sorry for making any comments. Or try to explain myself all the time by trying to prove that I know what I am talking about. My belief system can not accept anything nice, so nice comments usually bounce off and are explained as — if they are just trying to be nice, they don’t actually mean it. I can not accept that I‘ve done something well, even if I do I look for a way to improve that and be even more worth it. Everything bounces off and is negative even if I would like it to be the other way around. It's like a filter that doesn’t allow anything good through.

I am tired. I don’t like myself the way I am. If I could I would use a magic wand and change myself into a happy person who can deal with all life situations without blaming themselves all the time for everything. Will therapy fix me? I am not sure it's possible just like that to fix someone. I don’t think depression is possible to completely treat and get rid of. I believe it's a journey that never ends, and you have to work hard to be on top of it. It's extremely easy to go back to old beliefs. After all, if you lived with it your all life, you have rules you live by and they are always easier to follow than to come up with different beliefs.

I would love to say that in a few month's time, I will look back with a smile and have no more bad days. But I know that it depends entirely on me and I don’t know yet if I can sustain the new belief system I can only hope I will be strong enough. But I would strongly advise you to pick up that phone and reach out for help. You are not alone. And it is extremely helpful to talk through things. It will be painful, but at the same time really rewarding.

As for imposter? I do believe I have imposter syndrome. We all do. But combined with low self-esteem it felt like a mission impossible. I can recognize things better, reflect on situations, find some evidence to suggest what is real and what is not and be able to make the best decision regarding what is causing certain things. It's hard to love your imposter. But its easier when you are kind to yourself.

Don’t wait for a mental health day or week. Do something as soon as you realize that it would be helpful. Its hard to accept help, but once you do it gets easier and easier every time.

Even though I can not listen to myself, I did watch it. I am not entirely happy about it, but I do still stand by ‘copy and paste doesn’t work’. Be there.