Steaks, soup, or pancakes — you need to own your dish.
Once upon a time, someone invited me to talk at the Lean Agile London conference. I tried my best to pass on the message — Copy and Paste doesn’t really work.
It was an incredible opportunity to share my personal development journey involving wins, losses, and happy and sad moments. It was even more incredible to listen to some fantastic feedback from people after the talk- they could tell me how many books I presented and show their Amazon list with most of them there. Some were asking for the list and I thought to put it together here. I do try to read less, however silly that would sound, and it is a very difficult challenge. Someone counted 12 books — these are the ones that I usually go back and re-read or at least look through the sticky notes I posted all over. Sometimes there is no one to lift me up and I do turn to books to look for comfort, answers a better tomorrow.
Copy and paste seems easy, but owning your journey, your organization's journey is a whole different level. It's not easy, but it is rewarding. Embrace some difficult conversations — it's worth it!
The journey started with me, accepting the way I am and finally deciding to follow my values, understand my emotions, and basically not become a robot.
‘Emotional agility is about getting on with life. It involves moving toward clear, challenging, yet achievable goals that you pursue not because you think you have to, or because you’ve been told to, but because you want to because they’re important to you.’
I was so fortunate that someone even wrote a book about me! The mindset was an eye-opener as to why I was stuck all this time.
‘Real self-confidence is not reflected in a title, an expensive suit, a fancy car, or a series of acquisitions. It is reflected in your mindset: your readiness to grow.’
Brene Brown is an amazing writer, her books absolutely inspired me and I still have a good bunch to read. She talks about 67 emotions in her latest book ‘The Atlas of the Heart’ although we are capable of only saying when we are mad, sad, or glad.. Dare to lead is talking about being vulnerable and showing that you are capable of accepting that you don’t know everything, showing that to people is more important than having an answer.
‘People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.’
“You are not listening’ proved to me that I am not listening. I always had a solution, an answer to a statement. It was horrible to understand how bad of a listener I was. I am working on it!
How I managed to do that? By adopting ‘Atomic habits’. I decided that every time I speak with a person I can not leave a conversation without asking one question — it's amazing what you learn! As well, habits will not stick if they are not easy to do. It has to be short, lovely actions that satisfy us immediately — otherwise, forget about it. I wanted to learn and it was one question — fruits basically were falling off the tree right there.
One book that got people's attention the most was ‘Surrounded by Idiots’ such a cool, easy read about different personality types. It was interesting to get some tips on specific personality types that are a bit more difficult to manage. As well — people will look at you on planes, trains, buses, and at work — I believe I helped to sell a few copies!
Starting change is not going to be easy. It will require many soupy conversations. People will not understand why something needs changing. Asking questions, supporting, and providing a safe space is a good start.
‘Answers are closed rooms; and questions are open doors that invite us in.’
‘ Learning only happens when survival anxiety is greater than learning anxiety. Learning anxiety comes from being afraid to try something new for fear that we will look stupid in the attempt. It can threaten our self-esteem and even identity.’
The biggest mistake I've made and I see now others doing exactly the same — not respecting the past. In other words — coming into a new organization, pointing out the flaws, and starting changes without considering why things are done the way they are. Seeing things that could be changed is the easiest part when you are new, but understanding what is worth saving — is your clue to success. I do believe a new starter's syndrome is a real thing. I try to give people a couple of months to calm down and start to be interested in why.
‘Acknowledging what still works and is worth saving is as important as knowing what to change.’
Giving feedback was one of the most difficult things for me in my personal and work life. I would go with the old smelly sandwich thing and ruin many people's days. There is a better way and Radical candor talks about it.
‘Describe 3 things when giving feedback: 1) the situation you saw; 2) the behavior; 3) the impact you observed. This helps you avoid making judgments about personal attributes.’
I always thought the more of us here — the better. The more I do (even if its not my responsibility) surely is better. But then it hit me one day that by trying to help very often we forget that in the end that will be someone else's accountability and they might not even know that I’ve done it for them.
Roles and responsibilities are interesting. Every company will have a slightly different understanding of what the same role means in their context. We often go with our understanding and sometimes its not the right one. We need to be careful not to step into those boundaries too much to the point where it becomes counterproductive.
Knowing who speaks to who and how often is extremely useful. It saves time for others. It saves confusion. Too much collaboration and communication and we have very little original information left after a few handovers. Not enough and nothing get done.
‘This is a story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.’
‘Finding good players is easy. Getting them to play as a team is another story.’
You know that conversation where you say something and the person answers, then the conversation heats up and you both start to get really angry and it's all in your head? I used to get those. Still do if there is a particularly difficult person. But, there is a way to invite them into the conversation. Understanding the assumptions and explaining where you are coming from. Difficult conversations is covering more on that.
‘Changing our stance means inviting the other person into the conversations with us, to help us figure things out. We need to have a learning conversation.’
An even better approach I was trying out recently was TDD for people. You ‘run your tests’ (assumptions) till you get the green test, agreement from the other person on what exactly happened. Only then you can understand how to move forward.
‘Compliance without commitment is just going through the motions. Compliance is showing up; commitment is engaging with your whole self. Compliance is filling the space; commitment is participating. Compliance can be enough for routine day-to-day tasks; compliance is not enough to generate change, to improve, to excel. If these are your aims, you need commitment.’
If you get to write the story — you get to choose the ending.
We are all humans. None of us should battle on our own. I do turn to books, and podcasts when it's a hard day, week, or month. In general, I love reading. When I finished a course I thought this is it — I know everything. And actually, the journey just started then. My favorite podcasts — https://www.agilebook.club/ ; https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/drunk-agile/id1550106773 https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/squiggly-careers/id1202842065
Sometimes there is a particularly difficult day and having that support bubble is extremely important. Someone to share your thoughts, difficulties, and happy moments with. It is easier if you can get run past these things and get a different view, questions get asked, and even if it doesn’t solve it straight away it makes it a bit more real, achievable, and less scary.
Reach out to people — no one should be alone. As well — they will help you in your personal journey. Learning from and with others is part of it.
Happy reading and thank you for your support!
